Boxers or Briefer?

The Burbs

So Quotable

Today I thought I would be nice and include some direct quotes from my potential suitors:

"hey there saw you in my matches and wanted to introduce myself. My name is (BLOCK HIS NAME). Im interested in talking further. let me know"

I am never going to not go out with a guy because of this but is it so much to ask that you put a little effort into typing an email? It's not like he wrote a long paragraph - it was three and a half sentences (if you can call them that). He seems like a nice, good-looking guy so I intend on responding EVEN THOUGH his proflie mispels everie sinlge wrod.

" I noticed we have so much in common and I hope we ll have the opportunity to get along much more in the future...I have been to California in November 2011 where I stayed most of time, so I would love to meet up new people, I like to talk and have smart conversations, I m quite sure you are great person and I m all hope you ll write me back and keep in touch, plz do accept my best regards, yr true friend "

Inside the elipses was another paragraph about himself, his job, and his education. He has a PhD and lives in Morocco so yeah we have so much in common - I mean we have both been to California! His profile would definitely attract me until the second line about the whole Morocco thing. Here I was about to complain about the dude in College Station that I was matched with - this guy makes him seem next door. Luckily, we are true friends now so he will understand when I tell him that Morocco isn't even on my bucket list.

"Is it a burden to be so beautiful?"

Well, since you asked - yes. I hate it. I hate that every guy is stumbling over chairs at bars to hit on me. IT SUCKS. No girl in this world would like that. My question in response - Is it a burden to retype that same cheesy line to every girl you are matched with?

On the positive side, I did get winked at by a 6'8 dude in scrubs. Granted he could just be at the birth of his first child but here's to hoping it's his profession. I winked back. It's kind of like poking on Facebook - I don't get it but it's cute, right?

Big Head

I can honestly say that I think online dating might be the greatest thing in the world for one's ego. In three days, I have had 19 males email me expressing interest. Granted I have only returned two but that's okay, right? Any girl who is feeling sorry for themselves should just join match.com - all the sudden you will feel like the most popular kid in school. Not that I was feeling sorry for myself - I'm just saying - I might be cocky as hell the next time you see me. OH WAIT - it might be a good idea to tell you more about these 19 people...

- Asian guy who is 6'8 (Yao Ming??) - his favorite TV shows are Friends, Seinfeld and Desperate Housewives. Either this guy has been extremely unsuccessful on Match and has been on there for 10+ years or he is not quite the TV enthusiast I am. And is it okay to be bothered by the Desperate Housewives part? Doesn't exactly exude manly but whatever.

- Pro Poker Player - Ummm, not exactly a girls dream for a potential suitor much less a future father of their kid. I can see it now, "Honey, I lost our kids college fund this weekend but don't worry I will get back next week." Perfect.

- Three different guys that describe themselves as witty in their profile name - like WittyBoyfromPearland type. Seems to me that someone who is truly witty wouldn't have to describe himself as such - it would be obvious in your profile.

- One guy likes my "smiles" - uhhh, am I missing something? I have one picture on my profile and only one smile. Maybe he drinks as much as me and was just seeing double - dammit I shouldn't have closed him.

- Lots and lots of old men - well significantly older than me. Like 20+ years older - apparently Match doesn't give a shit about the age requirements I included.

- A newcomer to Houston straight from Iraq - in which he says if you have a problem with that then that's your problem. Thanks Captain Obvious. Bitter - party of one.

- One guy has 16 pictures - the first 15 were date stamped in 2007 then there was ONE from 2012 - I think maybe he became a "foodie" in those five years.

- There is an option to make some one your favorite and one guy did that - then Match told me I had been fave'd. Fave'd!! I mean I have never been fave'd before so I wanted to Fave'd the guy back for fave'ding me. Fave'ding might be the most kind compliment ever. I am going to fave'd everyone from here on out just so I can brighten their day and maybe it will be a day on the calendar to be fave'd.

- First sentence on one jackasses profile - "The number one cause of divorce is...getting married...JK...LOL." REALLY? An LOL in the first line dude? Males should never be allowed to LOL - NEVER. Oh wait - no one should. If you are an LOL'er then please do me a favor. Next time you want to send an LOL, please tell me if you are actually laughing out loud. And who ever said that before the acronym was created? I never told people I was laughing out loud - I would just laugh and it happened to be out loud. Oh yeah, and what a stupid intro line on a dating site.

- I was asked to "Send a line" to a guy - who knew there was drug trafficking on a dating site.

- And for one of the only "good" ones - I responded to his email several days later. His immediate response is that his subscription ends this weekend so he needs my number NOW because he is really interested. Sorry, but that is a little creepo to me - just pay the $20 for another month if you are really that interested. Am I right or just being silly?

This shit is hilarious.

Match This

Well, I signed up for Match.com today. Why? Well, the stellar dating experiences I have had in the last 6 months made me wish I was online dating. Yep, that bad. I decided to go with a different site this time just to see what happens.

In the 8 minutes since I posted a very blah and unfinished profile, this is what I have received:
- A "wink" from a 26 year-old dude who is 5'4.
- An email from a guy telling me he likes my smile. I assume he must have a terrible smile because all 26 pictures are from 100 yards away.
- A "match" with a guy who hates drinking, hates conservative people, hates that he moved to Texas and hates girls who have good jobs.
- A profile of two different people I know - one of which was on eHarms back in the day.

There you have it, I don't foresee this going well.

I love my friends...

We went out for E's birthday last weekend and had a hell of a time.   Two things happened that day - 1. I baked. 2. I put on close-toed shoes for the first time of the season.   So what?   They are related but let me get there.   So, after a long evening of many beverages, we decide a change of scenery is necessary.   At this point, my feet hurt so bad that I contemplated going home so I didn't have to walk any farther.   Instead, I did what any classy broad would do and walked around barefoot.   So, R decides to be the gentleman he can be and carries my baked items while I carry my shoes.   At this point, he is running through a laundry list of the things that can happen to me while walking around barefoot.   [Insert lack of caring here.]  To the escalator we come and I seriously think R is going to full on panic that I am really not going to brave the pain of my shoes for the safety of my feet on said escalator.   So, he escalates (get it?) the things that could happen to me whilst standing on such public disease.   At this point, he is trying to convince me that I am going to get lock jaw.   To which, myself and another dude laugh hysterically.   I look at said dude and said - glad someone else is hearing this.   And then he speaks.   Australian accent - melt my heart.   I make him speak some more.   Swoon.   It is at this point that I decide the Aussie must taste my cake so I shoved a giant piece in his mouth.   R is still holding the cake and is happy to have his mind of my feet.   Anyway, we bid the Aussie adieu and carry on to the next bar.  

As R and I are arguing about my putting my shoes back on to enter the bar, I finally concede.    We order drinks and find the rest of the group.   Two minutes later, the Aussie approaches our table.  WEIRD.   We left the original bar and went very far way and to a totally different type of place.  In other words, it would not have been a natural progression for most anyone but us.    So, to see him there was totally bizarre and as far as I could tell he couldn't have followed us mostly because he was long gone by the time we decided on destination number 2.    Long story short, he sits with us and I talk to him forever.   To say he was intriguing would be a giant understatement.   From what I remember, he was really fun to talk to and I promise it was not just the accent.    Anyway, why I love my friends mostly had to due with the plethora of texts I had the next day:

A - Do you have a shrimp on your barbie? 
E - How did it go with Aussie, Aussie, Aussie?  Oy oy oy. 
J - Did you go down under?
R- Please tell me you didn't bag an Aussie.  

And there were many, many more.   For the record, nothing happened with him mostly because the accent was the only thing I was physically attracted to.    After all, I was POSITIVE he was gay until very long into the evening.   Apparently, I also decided to mention that to him and he was so confused.   I lost all ability to filter at that point and quickly pointed out that he was wearing a vest and a pageboy hat.   No doy?   Yeah, he wasn't, in fact, gay and then told me loved me.   Don't worry - he doesn't - I haven't heard from him since mostly because there was no exchange of digits.  

The whole incident was worth it just for the quality text messages later.   And no, I did not contract lock jaw.   I love my friends - I didn't stop laughing for hours.  

Update

As I was walking out of my office for lunch yesterday, I ran into a "new guy" in my building.  By new, I just haven't seen him before which probably means he has worked next door for years (not too observant here).   In typical me fashion, I thank him for opening the door for me then proceed to ignore him.   As we are almost out of the stair well, he asks me if I am going to pick up lunch for my office.   I awkwardly giggle and say no and I am going to meet some friends for lunch (read: dad).   He then asks me where I am going.   I must have given him a weird look because he instantly corrected himself and said that his whole office is bored with the food around here so he was seeing if I had any suggestions.   Like the blubbering idiot I become when talking to a cute guy, I st-st-st-stutter to give him some suggestions.   Pretty sure my suggestion of a smoothie place was not exactly what he was looking for.   Oops.  

In other news, I am going to my bi-annual dentist appointment tomorrow.   Between waking up early to work out and staying up entirely too late to watch the Olympics, I have not exactly been looking in my prime lately.   So, I might have to skip the 6 a.m. tomorrow and post pone it until after my dentist has cleaned my pearly whites.   There is no better oral hygiene motivation than having a VERY hot, single dentist.   Somehow, it is the one doctor's appointment that I never forget to schedule.  

In yet other news, I am really afraid to admit this but I think I am becoming a Twitter lover.   Not because I ever write anything, but reading the US Swim Teams tweets over the past few weeks has become slightly obsessive.   Don't judge.   #althoughIstilldontgetthehashtagshit

You can also follow just about every Bachelor contestant in which it is clear that none of them have jobs and all of them use Twitter as a launch pad for hitting Pound Town.   I would love to be a fly on the wall in one of their "reunions."   Oh wait, I am one - Bachelor Pad.   I can't believe any one in that house would choose hearing Ed's varmint noises while humping over cute Reid being the worst manipulator known to man.   I love you Reid.   And I almost love you more since you were so bad at this game.   I mean really bad.