Santa Fe...

I went to Santa Fe this weekend for E's bachelorette party. Here are a few things I learned:

1. There are more cute guys per square foot in the Houston Airport than any other place on earth.

2. The cheapest flight leaving the Houston Airport is $59. Worth it.

3. Thursday nights just got a whole lot more expensive for me as I am going to start camping out at the airport terminal bars, buying said cheap ticket and flirting with above mentioned cute males.

4. Albuquerque is really hard to spell and is one hour from Santa Fe. Las Vegas is one hour further from there.

5. The food in SF is amazing - so is the tequila.

6. After delicious tequila - calling a limo company to take you to Vegas is an awesome idea. Especially when you discover that you are a complete moron and that Las Vegas, NEW MEXICO does not in fact have a branch of the Wynn, the Bellagio, the Venetian or the MGM Grande.

7. E loves skeletons (although they have a much fancier name).

8. Spending $40 on breakfast is totally worth it - especially when you have the most amazing hot chocolate known to man.

9. My future husband is going to need exactly $25,000 to afford the engagement ring I found this weekend.

10. SF is above 7000 feet. Altitude hangovers are the WORST. I highly recommend throwing up before bed. It helps.

11. 9 women who don't all know each other can successfully go on a long weekend together without drama. Who knew?

12. It is entirely possible for 80% of your body to change colors instantly with little to no explanation...




13. Dancing in altitude feels right. My ass just seemed to move better - I am sure it had nothing to do with the 86 vodka drinks.

14. Massages in SF are what I imagine Heaven will be like.

15. Late night smores = yum.

16. I could have shopped for another 8 days. I could have gone in all the shops twice and still wanted to go again. Although it is mostly not my style, I loved looking.

17. The shopping prizes that people went home with - a Santa, a globe, some skeletons. You guess who bought what.

18. I am so glad I don't have a mustache.

19. I am also glad that we did not find a tiger in the bathroom on Saturday morning as it was entirely possible.

20. The drive from Santa Fe back to Albuquerque is 18 hours long.

Best weekend of the year - I loved every minute of it!!

Career Change....

It is official - I am changing careers. Although recruiting has been a fabulous world, it is time for me to get into something that I have a true calling for - travel planning. You see - I am brilliant at making sure to add as much stress and as much expense as possible to a trip.

Thursday morning, K picks me up at my NEW HOUSE to go the airport. We head to IAH - I am driving her car (she is directionally challenged). When figuring out the terminal, I ask her to listen to the message I received from Orbitz - they are so awesome they even send you the gate info. They also lead off by telling you what airport you are supposed to be at. UHHHHHH - we were supposed to be at Hobby. SHIT. I step on the gas and gun it as fast as possible in Houston. We were those girls who were running in flip flops through the parking lot about to face plant at any moment. We tell American Airlines (they too fly out of Hobby, apparently) our sob story - THEY COULD CARE LESS. We strip to our bra and panties to go through security and get some awesome HEB feet from walking through the nasty airport with no shoes on. Long story short - we made it. And with enough time to have a healthy breakfast of french fries and diet coke. As we are breathing for the first time in an hour, K decides to look at the return tickets to make sure we didn't miss anything. Uhh....we flew back in to IAH. No kidding.

So, late last night after nursing a hangover pretty much the entire day, we get to IAH at 10 p.m. Because we are not evil, we decided to not ask our parents to pick us up from the airport. Instead, we got a cab. To Hobby. It's far. And expensive. From there, we had to spend a little extra time finding the car considering it was not exactly on our brains when we parked there. What was also not on our brain - economy parking. So, that brilliance in booking added a good $200 to our trip plus tons of stress. But honestly, it was hilarious. K was dying laughing the entire ride from IAH to Hobby - I was speechless. For the first time in my life, I could not say anything. Other than - I am a complete idiot.

On a side note, Orbitz should not allow you to do this. They should have the biggest, boldest, most obnoxious warning sign before check out saying - HEY IDIOT, YOU ARE ABOUT TO COMPLETELY F THINGS UP - GO BACK. LIKE NOW. I know, I know - don't blame it on Orbitz - it was clearly my fault. But still, I would venture to say that the majority of Houston Humans do not know that anyone other than Southwest flies out of Hobby.

Okay, I am off to check and see how bad I screwed up my flight to Santa Fe. It was made in the same week so odds are - I did something wrong. Like picked the wrong weekend or something.

Like Mother, Like Daughter...

Don't have much time today but here is an actual conversation I just had with my mother:

Me: How was Sex and the City 2?

Mom: It was fine - exactly what I was expecting. They have sex twice - there was once in a dessert and it was an absolute pounding. No romance at all.

Me: MOM - did you really just say absolute pounding?

Mom: Well, you asked.

Me: I asked how the movie was not the graphics of the sex scenes.

Mom: Isn't that why people watch that show anyway?

Me: Good point.

Mom: I was really calling to tell your dad that Dr. Oz just did a rectal exam on TV.

Me: MOM - you gotta stop. You have said absolute pounding and rectal exam in the same conversation.

Both: (dying laughing)

Me: Well, mom - this has been such an enlightening conversation - I must get back to work now.

There you have it - my mother is the reason for the inappropriate statements that come out of my mouth. She too has no filter. While on the subject of my mom, I had a 15 minute conversation with L about the sex show I mentioned yesterday (then erased) and am 50% sure my mom heard the whole thing. Let me be clear, my mom might say funny things but she would not be okay with this. Not that she can send me to my room or anything but damn I need to learn to shut the hell up at work.

OPP

Our lobby was full with about 15 people this morning applying for a hospitality gig at a random convention this weekend. I was working with the new girl (finally replaced fettuccine Alfredo) on how to run applications and backgrounds. Apparently, the hospitality industry loves them some drugs. I sort of remember that when I was a hostess at 16 but I was also so freaking naive that I probably thought "drugs" were only prescriptions. Anyway, lots and lots of these people have been in trouble with the poe-poe for said drugs. Oh yeah - Amsterdam girl the other day is another example. Anyhow, apparently my client recognizes the problem (or takes a part in it) so they do not have a background policy and also do not require a pre-employment drug screen. Well, Rico Suave walks in our office earlier and as part of my training I made the new gal run his background. Dude had a rap-sheet including way more than drugs. Theft, larceny, assault - etc. Enough on his background that we couldn't help him. So, V tells him that we can't work with him and he is pissed. He throws his hands out of his pocket and something comes flying out - he sees it and runs. I see it and gag. L sees it and dies laughing. Home-dude brought in someone else's pee via condom. Yes, you read that right. He knew he would not pass his drug screen so he probably had his 4-year old niece pee in a cup for him. When he couldn't find a trusty zip-lock he decided to go for his stash of the other trusty carrying device that is known for never breaking. He then stuffed the pee filled condom in his pocket where it remained for at least an hour while in our lobby. Here's to really hoping he washes his jeans when he gets home. The condom itself open in your pocket is enough to give me the heeby-jeebies much less one filled with OPP (other people's pee). Gross.

Working Out...

K, T and I have a little Biggest Loser style bet going on to lose some weight before being in a bathing suit (too late!). Anyway, K and I decided to take her dog to Memorial Park after work yesterday. To understand this task, you must see the puppy first:



That's Hank. He's tiny and still not close to being full grown. He only weighs about 125 at this point and I think his dad was 180. Needless to say, he is not the easiest dog to just walk. Or so we thought. But we go to the park and after only a few minutes of him getting used to it - he was perfect. K let me hold the leash the entire time which of course made all the men look at me first. Okay, by the end of the 4 miles - I was actually more convinced that I looked like the dominant partner in our relationship. It looked like the happy couple was walking their ginormous dog. Oh well, who cares - it's not like I really think you could ever meet someone at a running track unless maybe you ran smack into them when it was overly crowded. Not that I have ever done that but I have been dangerously close!

The whole point of that explanation is to tell my pet peeves of working out:

1. The girls that run with their horse hair down who are clearly trying to pick up males. This is Houston people - the weather is nothing short of an inferno so there is really no reason to add the sweaty feeling of your hair running down your back. It gives me chills thinking about it.

2. The couples that walk hand and hand the entire time. Look, this is not really a place for a nice stroll in the park. Either work out and drop your hands or go on a picnic. Besides, aren't your hands drenched in sweat?

3. The people who run/walk on the wrong side. Ma'am - do you see how you are the only person in the past 3 miles running on the left hand side? This is a two-way path - keep to your right or prepare for an encounter with the tiny puppy I am holding.

4. The FTBTers (full-time blue-toothers) that can't part from their phone for a mere hour while jogging around the park. Dude, I get that you are important but I find it ridiculous that you can't be out of touch for a little while. If anything, it will be SO exciting when you get in your car and see all of those missed calls (or none!).

Tonight is Yoga. I was talking to Wedding Guy last night and he said the only thing he knows about yoga is that girls fart a lot. Really? Now, I am extremely nervous that I am going to do the downward dog and make some noise.

Only Me, Only Me...

First of all let me set the scene - Austin, Bachelorette party, 1 a.m, 6th Street. At this point, I would say I had about 86 vodka drinks so I was a wee bit tipsy. Brilliant idea - we should definitely take a pedicab home:



Because pedicabs are definitely the best choice - they are 4 times the cost of a normal cab, they take 4 times as long to get you to the destination, and it is 4 times as cold when it is in the 30's outside. So, we hop on three different pedicabs with ours in the lead. We start by asking the not so nice man how much is typical to be paid for the distance we were going - his answer of course is ridiculously high - $20-30!! I, being the smartass I love to be, said oh good then we will pay you 4 bucks. What I didn't realize was that the dude was new to the "rules of bicycling" and was not aware that slamming on your brakes on a downhill street would result in flying passengers. The next thing I know - I am sprawled out in the middle of the concrete on some random side street in Austin. Because Tito's was making me all warm inside, I didn't really think it hurt at all - just scared me. I quickly checked to see if it was possible that maybe I chipped a tooth so I could go back to the dentist but no such luck (the dentist would have loved that story!!). Sunday morning - the pain kicked in a little more - I think I have a bruise on every other square inch of my body but at least I have a great story to tell.

I think I am officially now the ONLY person in history to have been thrown from a pedicab! Fun times!