Being in a Human Resources role for the past 8 years has left me with some pretty awesome stories, some shocking and then some down-right ridiculous. Today, I want to explore the art of calling in sick. Needless to say, I have heard it all and automatically believe that you are lying until you prove me otherwise. For instance, if you leave me a message at my office anytime between 5 p.m. and 8 a.m. the next morning - you are chicken shit. You are too scared I will call you out on really being sick so you wanted to leave a message. Next time, walk out of the bar before calling. Or, the ever so popular text/email in your status. Nope. I quickly out-lawed this method because I actually like to hear the voices people come up with to coincide with their illness.
Examples:
- The traditional cold or flu voice (TCFV) - yes your voice will have a nasal tone to it and you should sound weak. The exaggeration that comes with this is impressive.
- A headache does not in fact make your voice sound any different nor does a migraine. While I understand maybe a whisper - TCFV is not necessary.
- When I throw up, I cry. Waa Waa - I know but I can't help it. It does not in fact make me have the TCFV. Ever. Although I have rarely thrown up sober, I am quite positive that the stomach bug does not impact your vocal chords.
- Emailing in because you threw your back out - puzzling. Your voice does not work since your back hurts - got it. Emailing on the 5th consecutive day to say you decided you might should go see a chiropractor because you are still in pain - genius. Who in their right mind would not think of that the first day? Hope you enjoyed your vacation.
- An ex-husband calling to say that our employee was so sick she could not talk. Really? She went from absolutely healthy at 5 p.m. to mute in less than 24 hours. Doubt it. Hope she makes bail soon.
- The Friday afternoon bug that comes out of nowhere - THE WORST TCFV possible. Oh yeah, don't forget we are friends on Facebook and it looks like your weekend get-a-way was a blast despite your flu symptoms.
Like many other stories, this list could go on and on and on. But this morning I experienced my new favorite of all time. My employee apparently has empathy TCFV. Her dad being in the hospital makes her talk like she is dying from the flu. The best part - she was not even calling in sick. She is at work. She is just talking in a constant TCFV because her dad has pneumonia. I couldn't handle it anymore so I called her out a second ago:
Me: Oh no, don't tell me you are getting sick.
Her: (Full on TCFV) Not at all -why do you ask.
Me: That there - your voice. You sound sick.
Her: No my mind is just going in every direction.
Me: Oh, well glad you are not sick because your voice sure sounds like it.
Her: (In perfectly normal voice) I am probably just tired.
Me: Got it. How's your dad?
Her: (Back to TCFV) No updates but really bad.
Me: I am so sorry - do you need to go home?
Her: No - I just want to stay here and get my mind off of it.
Me: THEN PLEASE STOP TALKING LIKE THAT.
Okay, I didn't say the last thing. In my defense, I promise I am empathetic to her dad being sick. Believe me I know it sucks to have a parent in the hospital - my vocals have just never been effected. I guess everyone is different.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
I am left handed...
Two of my best friends learned that I was left-handed in the last week. Weird. If you think about it, other than signing my bar tab when would they really have seen me write. Yes, I eat with my left hand but do people really notice that kind of stuff? I don't. With that being said, I thought you might want some other facts...
I sneeze at least 4 times every time I sneeze. I used to be like clockwork where it was 4 and 4 alone without fail. Nowadays, I can turn heads everywhere from the sheer amount of times I can sneeze in a row. In fact, when I sat down on the airplane to Vegas, the guy sitting next to me apologized in advance for the amount of sneezing I could expect. He wanted me to know that he was not sick just sneezed a lot. I TOTALLY out-sneezed him.
Food displays of any sort gross me out. Showing me an example of the food special guarantees that I WILL NOT order that item. Pictures of food are the same way and honestly I don't understand why people take pictures of their food and post it to Facebook. On a menu, GROSS - I automatically assume its a cheap place and that actually goes for food commercials as well.
I can flick you off with my toes. Never have I ever met someone who can match this talent.
I can think of three times in the history of my life that my nails grew longer than my nail beds - now being one of them. Anxiety = biting nails.
Recockulous - you see what I did there - replaced dic with cock. I credit myself for coining this term although many would beg to differ. You can thank me later.
I was 7 inches taller than my 8th grade dance date. I also grew 7 inches in one year.
I took French in high school. Real freaking necessary in Houston. At least on my Europe trip, I could read a menu. Well, at least I thought I could until my chicken came out highlighter yellow and still mooing.
I have been to 22 countries and in 22 weddings.
What else? Oh yeah, I can't shave my knees but you probably already knew that.
I sneeze at least 4 times every time I sneeze. I used to be like clockwork where it was 4 and 4 alone without fail. Nowadays, I can turn heads everywhere from the sheer amount of times I can sneeze in a row. In fact, when I sat down on the airplane to Vegas, the guy sitting next to me apologized in advance for the amount of sneezing I could expect. He wanted me to know that he was not sick just sneezed a lot. I TOTALLY out-sneezed him.
Food displays of any sort gross me out. Showing me an example of the food special guarantees that I WILL NOT order that item. Pictures of food are the same way and honestly I don't understand why people take pictures of their food and post it to Facebook. On a menu, GROSS - I automatically assume its a cheap place and that actually goes for food commercials as well.
I can flick you off with my toes. Never have I ever met someone who can match this talent.
I can think of three times in the history of my life that my nails grew longer than my nail beds - now being one of them. Anxiety = biting nails.
Recockulous - you see what I did there - replaced dic with cock. I credit myself for coining this term although many would beg to differ. You can thank me later.
I was 7 inches taller than my 8th grade dance date. I also grew 7 inches in one year.
I took French in high school. Real freaking necessary in Houston. At least on my Europe trip, I could read a menu. Well, at least I thought I could until my chicken came out highlighter yellow and still mooing.
I have been to 22 countries and in 22 weddings.
What else? Oh yeah, I can't shave my knees but you probably already knew that.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
The job hunt...
Since I consider myself somewhat of an expert on this, I thought I would share some advice on searching for a job. First, let's start with resume writing:
1. Hit spell check. It is SO simple. If you spell your title incorrectly, I am done. No excuse.
2. While I am no expert on grammar, some people are so find someone to make sure it is grammatically correct.
I know, no shit right? Share some real advice...
3. Whoever told you to make your resume look impressive by adding as many words as possible was stupid. Brevity is key. The second I click on a resume that looks like a novel, I delete it.
4. STOP making up fancy titles for positions. Seriously, Chief Administration Officer is stupid. You are an Executive Admin and the boss told you to call yourself what you want so you are now the CAO. Two things will happen - your resume won't come up on a regular search (Career Builder, Monster, etc.) and hiring managers will automatically assume they can't afford you. Sandwich Artist = stupid. A lady sent me a resume one time that had Professional Animal Explorer - WTF? Dog Walker - you walk dogs. There is nothing wrong with that until you made me feel like Dog Walker was not enough so you had to glorify your position. Which brings me to my very least favorite - Domestic Engineer. Ladies, while I might offend you here - you are a stay-at-home mom. While I think it is the hardest job in the book and I don't think I could do it, there is no need to make up a fancy title for it. Gaps in employment on a resume can be bad so I see why people find it necessary to put the time they stayed home with their kids but I HATE Domestic Engineer. Why? Because I can't tell you how many times I am looking for an Engineer of some sort and this resume comes up in the search.
5. Don't put hobbies, interests, etc. on a professional resume. That was for your high school resume so that the girls in Rush would know if you were cool or not.
Now for the applying to positions...
1. Just because you want to work for the company does not mean you should apply for any position they have available. It is just plain annoying. If you see a job that you are not one bit qualified for, don't apply. Seriously, a cashier applying for an Accounting Executive position just because you counted out change for people makes no sense.
2. If you do qualify for the position and you are really interested, apply more than once.
Interviewing...
1. Do not bring your kids to an interview. Obvious, right? Nope. It happens all the time!
2. DO NOT ASK FOR DIRECTIONS. Seriously people it is 2011 - have you heard of the Internet? Look it up.
3. I don't care how personable the interviewer is, don't get too comfortable. I had a girl the other day that spread her legs up to my desk, put both elbows under her chin, and starting asking me about my life. No thanks.
4. This too is going to sound obvious but it happens with every level of person - answering your cell phone while in an interview is ridiculous. Turn it off. I realize that we are all very important people but you will be okay if you disconnect for 30-45 minutes of your life.
I have way, way, way more but don't have time because I need to go interview a Sales Executive lady that is wearing a track suit. Awesome.
1. Hit spell check. It is SO simple. If you spell your title incorrectly, I am done. No excuse.
2. While I am no expert on grammar, some people are so find someone to make sure it is grammatically correct.
I know, no shit right? Share some real advice...
3. Whoever told you to make your resume look impressive by adding as many words as possible was stupid. Brevity is key. The second I click on a resume that looks like a novel, I delete it.
4. STOP making up fancy titles for positions. Seriously, Chief Administration Officer is stupid. You are an Executive Admin and the boss told you to call yourself what you want so you are now the CAO. Two things will happen - your resume won't come up on a regular search (Career Builder, Monster, etc.) and hiring managers will automatically assume they can't afford you. Sandwich Artist = stupid. A lady sent me a resume one time that had Professional Animal Explorer - WTF? Dog Walker - you walk dogs. There is nothing wrong with that until you made me feel like Dog Walker was not enough so you had to glorify your position. Which brings me to my very least favorite - Domestic Engineer. Ladies, while I might offend you here - you are a stay-at-home mom. While I think it is the hardest job in the book and I don't think I could do it, there is no need to make up a fancy title for it. Gaps in employment on a resume can be bad so I see why people find it necessary to put the time they stayed home with their kids but I HATE Domestic Engineer. Why? Because I can't tell you how many times I am looking for an Engineer of some sort and this resume comes up in the search.
5. Don't put hobbies, interests, etc. on a professional resume. That was for your high school resume so that the girls in Rush would know if you were cool or not.
Now for the applying to positions...
1. Just because you want to work for the company does not mean you should apply for any position they have available. It is just plain annoying. If you see a job that you are not one bit qualified for, don't apply. Seriously, a cashier applying for an Accounting Executive position just because you counted out change for people makes no sense.
2. If you do qualify for the position and you are really interested, apply more than once.
Interviewing...
1. Do not bring your kids to an interview. Obvious, right? Nope. It happens all the time!
2. DO NOT ASK FOR DIRECTIONS. Seriously people it is 2011 - have you heard of the Internet? Look it up.
3. I don't care how personable the interviewer is, don't get too comfortable. I had a girl the other day that spread her legs up to my desk, put both elbows under her chin, and starting asking me about my life. No thanks.
4. This too is going to sound obvious but it happens with every level of person - answering your cell phone while in an interview is ridiculous. Turn it off. I realize that we are all very important people but you will be okay if you disconnect for 30-45 minutes of your life.
I have way, way, way more but don't have time because I need to go interview a Sales Executive lady that is wearing a track suit. Awesome.
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