Don't have much time today but here is an actual conversation I just had with my mother:
Me: How was Sex and the City 2?
Mom: It was fine - exactly what I was expecting. They have sex twice - there was once in a dessert and it was an absolute pounding. No romance at all.
Me: MOM - did you really just say absolute pounding?
Mom: Well, you asked.
Me: I asked how the movie was not the graphics of the sex scenes.
Mom: Isn't that why people watch that show anyway?
Me: Good point.
Mom: I was really calling to tell your dad that Dr. Oz just did a rectal exam on TV.
Me: MOM - you gotta stop. You have said absolute pounding and rectal exam in the same conversation.
Both: (dying laughing)
Me: Well, mom - this has been such an enlightening conversation - I must get back to work now.
There you have it - my mother is the reason for the inappropriate statements that come out of my mouth. She too has no filter. While on the subject of my mom, I had a 15 minute conversation with L about the sex show I mentioned yesterday (then erased) and am 50% sure my mom heard the whole thing. Let me be clear, my mom might say funny things but she would not be okay with this. Not that she can send me to my room or anything but damn I need to learn to shut the hell up at work.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
OPP
Our lobby was full with about 15 people this morning applying for a hospitality gig at a random convention this weekend. I was working with the new girl (finally replaced fettuccine Alfredo) on how to run applications and backgrounds. Apparently, the hospitality industry loves them some drugs. I sort of remember that when I was a hostess at 16 but I was also so freaking naive that I probably thought "drugs" were only prescriptions. Anyway, lots and lots of these people have been in trouble with the poe-poe for said drugs. Oh yeah - Amsterdam girl the other day is another example. Anyhow, apparently my client recognizes the problem (or takes a part in it) so they do not have a background policy and also do not require a pre-employment drug screen. Well, Rico Suave walks in our office earlier and as part of my training I made the new gal run his background. Dude had a rap-sheet including way more than drugs. Theft, larceny, assault - etc. Enough on his background that we couldn't help him. So, V tells him that we can't work with him and he is pissed. He throws his hands out of his pocket and something comes flying out - he sees it and runs. I see it and gag. L sees it and dies laughing. Home-dude brought in someone else's pee via condom. Yes, you read that right. He knew he would not pass his drug screen so he probably had his 4-year old niece pee in a cup for him. When he couldn't find a trusty zip-lock he decided to go for his stash of the other trusty carrying device that is known for never breaking. He then stuffed the pee filled condom in his pocket where it remained for at least an hour while in our lobby. Here's to really hoping he washes his jeans when he gets home. The condom itself open in your pocket is enough to give me the heeby-jeebies much less one filled with OPP (other people's pee). Gross.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Working Out...
K, T and I have a little Biggest Loser style bet going on to lose some weight before being in a bathing suit (too late!). Anyway, K and I decided to take her dog to Memorial Park after work yesterday. To understand this task, you must see the puppy first:
That's Hank. He's tiny and still not close to being full grown. He only weighs about 125 at this point and I think his dad was 180. Needless to say, he is not the easiest dog to just walk. Or so we thought. But we go to the park and after only a few minutes of him getting used to it - he was perfect. K let me hold the leash the entire time which of course made all the men look at me first. Okay, by the end of the 4 miles - I was actually more convinced that I looked like the dominant partner in our relationship. It looked like the happy couple was walking their ginormous dog. Oh well, who cares - it's not like I really think you could ever meet someone at a running track unless maybe you ran smack into them when it was overly crowded. Not that I have ever done that but I have been dangerously close!
The whole point of that explanation is to tell my pet peeves of working out:
1. The girls that run with their horse hair down who are clearly trying to pick up males. This is Houston people - the weather is nothing short of an inferno so there is really no reason to add the sweaty feeling of your hair running down your back. It gives me chills thinking about it.
2. The couples that walk hand and hand the entire time. Look, this is not really a place for a nice stroll in the park. Either work out and drop your hands or go on a picnic. Besides, aren't your hands drenched in sweat?
3. The people who run/walk on the wrong side. Ma'am - do you see how you are the only person in the past 3 miles running on the left hand side? This is a two-way path - keep to your right or prepare for an encounter with the tiny puppy I am holding.
4. The FTBTers (full-time blue-toothers) that can't part from their phone for a mere hour while jogging around the park. Dude, I get that you are important but I find it ridiculous that you can't be out of touch for a little while. If anything, it will be SO exciting when you get in your car and see all of those missed calls (or none!).
Tonight is Yoga. I was talking to Wedding Guy last night and he said the only thing he knows about yoga is that girls fart a lot. Really? Now, I am extremely nervous that I am going to do the downward dog and make some noise.
That's Hank. He's tiny and still not close to being full grown. He only weighs about 125 at this point and I think his dad was 180. Needless to say, he is not the easiest dog to just walk. Or so we thought. But we go to the park and after only a few minutes of him getting used to it - he was perfect. K let me hold the leash the entire time which of course made all the men look at me first. Okay, by the end of the 4 miles - I was actually more convinced that I looked like the dominant partner in our relationship. It looked like the happy couple was walking their ginormous dog. Oh well, who cares - it's not like I really think you could ever meet someone at a running track unless maybe you ran smack into them when it was overly crowded. Not that I have ever done that but I have been dangerously close!
The whole point of that explanation is to tell my pet peeves of working out:
1. The girls that run with their horse hair down who are clearly trying to pick up males. This is Houston people - the weather is nothing short of an inferno so there is really no reason to add the sweaty feeling of your hair running down your back. It gives me chills thinking about it.
2. The couples that walk hand and hand the entire time. Look, this is not really a place for a nice stroll in the park. Either work out and drop your hands or go on a picnic. Besides, aren't your hands drenched in sweat?
3. The people who run/walk on the wrong side. Ma'am - do you see how you are the only person in the past 3 miles running on the left hand side? This is a two-way path - keep to your right or prepare for an encounter with the tiny puppy I am holding.
4. The FTBTers (full-time blue-toothers) that can't part from their phone for a mere hour while jogging around the park. Dude, I get that you are important but I find it ridiculous that you can't be out of touch for a little while. If anything, it will be SO exciting when you get in your car and see all of those missed calls (or none!).
Tonight is Yoga. I was talking to Wedding Guy last night and he said the only thing he knows about yoga is that girls fart a lot. Really? Now, I am extremely nervous that I am going to do the downward dog and make some noise.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Only Me, Only Me...
First of all let me set the scene - Austin, Bachelorette party, 1 a.m, 6th Street. At this point, I would say I had about 86 vodka drinks so I was a wee bit tipsy. Brilliant idea - we should definitely take a pedicab home:
Because pedicabs are definitely the best choice - they are 4 times the cost of a normal cab, they take 4 times as long to get you to the destination, and it is 4 times as cold when it is in the 30's outside. So, we hop on three different pedicabs with ours in the lead. We start by asking the not so nice man how much is typical to be paid for the distance we were going - his answer of course is ridiculously high - $20-30!! I, being the smartass I love to be, said oh good then we will pay you 4 bucks. What I didn't realize was that the dude was new to the "rules of bicycling" and was not aware that slamming on your brakes on a downhill street would result in flying passengers. The next thing I know - I am sprawled out in the middle of the concrete on some random side street in Austin. Because Tito's was making me all warm inside, I didn't really think it hurt at all - just scared me. I quickly checked to see if it was possible that maybe I chipped a tooth so I could go back to the dentist but no such luck (the dentist would have loved that story!!). Sunday morning - the pain kicked in a little more - I think I have a bruise on every other square inch of my body but at least I have a great story to tell.
I think I am officially now the ONLY person in history to have been thrown from a pedicab! Fun times!
Because pedicabs are definitely the best choice - they are 4 times the cost of a normal cab, they take 4 times as long to get you to the destination, and it is 4 times as cold when it is in the 30's outside. So, we hop on three different pedicabs with ours in the lead. We start by asking the not so nice man how much is typical to be paid for the distance we were going - his answer of course is ridiculously high - $20-30!! I, being the smartass I love to be, said oh good then we will pay you 4 bucks. What I didn't realize was that the dude was new to the "rules of bicycling" and was not aware that slamming on your brakes on a downhill street would result in flying passengers. The next thing I know - I am sprawled out in the middle of the concrete on some random side street in Austin. Because Tito's was making me all warm inside, I didn't really think it hurt at all - just scared me. I quickly checked to see if it was possible that maybe I chipped a tooth so I could go back to the dentist but no such luck (the dentist would have loved that story!!). Sunday morning - the pain kicked in a little more - I think I have a bruise on every other square inch of my body but at least I have a great story to tell.
I think I am officially now the ONLY person in history to have been thrown from a pedicab! Fun times!
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