Sicky boo-boo

Being in a Human Resources role for the past 8 years has left me with some pretty awesome stories, some shocking and then some down-right ridiculous.   Today, I want to explore the art of calling in sick.  Needless to say, I have heard it all and automatically believe that you are lying until you prove me otherwise.   For instance, if you leave me a message at my office anytime between 5 p.m. and 8 a.m. the next morning - you are chicken shit.   You are too scared I will call you out on really being sick so you wanted to leave a message.   Next time, walk out of the bar before calling.   Or, the ever so popular text/email in your status.   Nope.   I quickly out-lawed this method because I actually like to hear the voices people come up with to coincide with their illness.  

Examples:

- The traditional cold or flu voice (TCFV) - yes your voice will have a nasal tone to it and you should sound weak.  The exaggeration that comes with this is impressive.

- A headache does not in fact make your voice sound any different nor does a migraine.  While I understand maybe a whisper - TCFV is not necessary.  

- When I throw up, I cry.   Waa Waa - I know but I can't help it.  It does not in fact make me have the TCFV.   Ever.   Although I have rarely thrown up sober, I am quite positive that the stomach bug does not impact your vocal chords.  

- Emailing in because you threw your back out - puzzling.  Your voice does not work since your back hurts - got it.   Emailing on the 5th consecutive day to say you decided you might should go see a chiropractor because you are still in pain - genius.   Who in their right mind would not think of that the first day?   Hope you enjoyed your vacation. 

- An ex-husband calling to say that our employee was so sick she could not talk.   Really?   She went from absolutely healthy at 5 p.m. to mute in less than 24 hours.   Doubt it.  Hope she makes bail soon.

- The Friday afternoon bug that comes out of nowhere - THE WORST TCFV possible.   Oh yeah, don't forget we are friends on Facebook and it looks like your weekend get-a-way was a blast despite your flu symptoms.  

Like many other stories, this list could go on and on and on.   But this morning I experienced my new favorite of all time.   My employee apparently has empathy TCFV.   Her dad being in the hospital makes her talk like she is dying from the flu.   The best part - she was not even calling in sick.  She is at work.   She is just talking in a constant TCFV because her dad has pneumonia.    I couldn't handle it anymore so I called her out a second ago:

Me:  Oh no, don't tell me you are getting sick.
Her:  (Full on TCFV) Not at all -why do you ask.
Me: That there - your voice.  You sound sick.
Her:  No my mind is just going in every direction.
Me:  Oh, well glad you are not sick because your voice sure sounds like it. 
Her:  (In perfectly normal voice) I am probably just tired. 
Me:  Got it.   How's your dad? 
Her: (Back to TCFV)  No updates but really bad. 
Me: I am so sorry - do you need to go home?
Her: No - I just want to stay here and get my mind off of it. 
Me:  THEN PLEASE STOP TALKING LIKE THAT.

Okay, I didn't say the last thing.   In my defense, I promise I am empathetic to her dad being sick.  Believe me I know it sucks to have a parent in the hospital - my vocals have just never been effected.  I guess everyone is different.