Spa Day!

I am obsessed with GroupOn and Living Social.  What a smart idea!!   I save so much money on buying stuff that I would never had bought otherwise.   Most popular on my list is different workout facilities (mostly Pilate's) or massage/facial places.   A couple of months ago, E and I bought a massage from a new place in plans on having a little spa day.  This massage came with so many amenities - deep-tissue massage, lavender hot towel treatment, cucumber eye treatment and organic Japanese facial massage.  Nothing sounds better!   While E was on her honeymoon, I decided to go ahead and book the place because appointments were hard to come by and I was ready for a great massage!  

Yesterday was the day.  With a tinge of a hangover, I showed up a few minutes before E only to find the door locked.  I immediately assume I had done another one of my fantastic booking errors and probably missed our appointment.  So, I wait for E to get there and discover that she is a genius!  She knocked on the door and they answered.  We are greeted by this creepy, long-haired man who I am certain hits the bong as a regular occurrence and welcomes us to the smaller than my closet lobby.  Whilst filling out our intake form, we are treated to a foot massage.  In other words, he tells us to scoot out the Homedics foot roller and start our spa bliss.   Right.  She and I are catching up on the night before where I am sharing more details about MSG when another masseuse comes out and tells us to keep it down.   My bad.  Our tiny whisper was apparently distracting to the three other people who were getting massages behind the half walls of the 200 square foot place. 

A few minutes later, E gets called back to her room (if you can call it that) and I wait for creepy, long-haired man to clean my room.  It's finally my turn to strip down and relax.  Creepy, long-haired man comes in and starts my massage.  To say it was sporadic would be an understatement.  The guy was all over the place - he would touch on my neck then dig his elbows in my back until I could hardly breathe then pat my hand and then repeat.  ADD is not a good trait in a masseuse.  At one point, the power goes off and he finds it necessary to reset the clock in his cube immediately.   In the "lobby", I kept hearing the microwave beep.   A few minutes later, the overwhelming aroma of spaghetti a la Lean Cuisine filled the air followed by the continual smell of creepy, long-haired guy's burps.  He clearly had eaten something similar to the masseuse enjoying her lunch break during my relaxing massage.   When most of the smells had finally cleared and I was actually starting to relax, the dude's alarm went off.   The awesome part - he had it set to the highest volume of AM static instead of a calm beeping. 

Now we are really getting to the good stuff - it is time for the lavender hot towel treatment.   So he burns the shit out of my back when he places a towel gently across me.   He presses said scorching towel into my skin only to continue the torture treatment.   Remove and flip for the cucumber eye treatment and the facial.  I am so excited!!  He haphazardly throws the thinnest excuse for a cucumber on my eye and I kept opening my eyes to see if it was still there.  The facial consisted of him splashing some water on my face and rubbing it around.  At this point, all I can hope is that it will just be over soon.   Finally, I got up to leave and can't wait to hear about E's massage.  She was gone.  She could not stay in the hell hole any longer and bolted.   Immediately I call her from the car where she starts dying laughing.   Apparently, her masseuse gently patted her the entire time in her deep-tissue massage.  To say the least, it was awful. 

Living Social should be ashamed of themselves for ever presenting this deal.  There is no way they even walked into the lobby of that place to check it out.  No one in there right mind would ever refer someone to this place much less a whole city.